Stumbling, Doubting, Passing

I returned to old, well-worn, comforting habits Wednesday afternoon and Thursday. The drive to SLC in the pouring rain was quite nerve-wracking. I arrived to the location of the interview just in time. Although I parked in front of the building, the rain was coming down so hard that I was wet when I got inside. The return drive (about 40 miles) was not as harrowing, but by the time I got back to the town where I live, I was exhausted, cranky, and simply wanted to curl up under a blanket and numb myself with some drinks. That is exactly what I did. And I stayed checked out on Thursday, as well. I could beat myself up over it, but that doesn’t do anything except start a shame spiral which only makes it worse. Change is a process. I am adding in more good habits to crowd out the bad. And the times between engaging in old habits is getting longer. I see that as progress.

Apparently, having damp hair during Wednesday’s interview did not hurt me at all, as I was called back for a second interview. That took place yesterday afternoon. I think it went well, though I can’t be sure. The interviewers (there were 3 people conducting the interview) smiled several times as I answered their questions. While I think I would enjoy the work – it is a mediator job with a state agency – I have some doubts. First, the commute. 40 miles isn’t horrible, and there is a train. But still, that is upwards of two hours a day spent commuting. Those two hours could be used to cook, run, do yoga, journal, blog, or hang out with my husband. That’s a lot of time! Second, the position does not require a law degree, though it is strongly preferred (yes, there ARE “JD Preferred” jobs out there). I busted my butt over the summer (well, I could have done more, but I will always think that of my efforts) to study for and take the bar exam. I kept thinking on the way home that I might want to return to the practice of law, maybe not forever, but for a few years. Mostly to see what I can accomplish with my new beliefs and growing confidence in my abilities. Then I thought about the possibility of not passing the bar exam. For the most part, I’ve been thinking thoughts of passing. Like using the Law of Attraction to manifest the outcome that I want. Silently repeating to myself “I passed, I am just waiting for confirmation.” But having failed twice in Colorado before finally passing (and even then I had to submit my essays for regrading on appeal in order to get the two extra points I needed to pass), I know the feeling of failing all too well. But my mindset is so much different now than it was 7-8 years ago when I was going through that struggle.

I stopped to browse at a bookstore on the way home, picked up some dinner to take home (husband was on his way out of town for the night, so I treated myself), and stopped to get some vodka. Once home, I got into my sweats, turned on the news, made a drink, and dug into my dinner. I decided to check my email on my phone. I don’t do this often. I usually just check it in the morning and maybe once midday, not in the evening.

At the top of the new emails was one from Utah Bar Admissions. The first words were “On behalf of the Utah State Bar Board of Bar Commissioners…”

Woah. Really? Already? And then I realized an email telling of failure would not likely start with “On behalf of…” I opened the email. “I am pleased to inform you that you have passed the July 2015 Utah State Bar Examination.” WOW! WOW! I did it! I can’t express the feeling of finally passing on the first try. I would have been surprised had I not passed, because I studied smarter than any of the previous times, and did what works for me and my learning style. I felt more confident going in. I enjoyed re-learning some of this info I hadn’t used in a long time.  I enjoyed finding out that what I thought were weak subjects were actually strong points for me (Property and Evidence, in particular).

I passed. Wow. It’s still sinking in. Now I really need to get clear on what direction I want to go with my career.