The Words I Speak and Loving Myself

It’s been a couple of weeks since posting anything. This morning the weather is perfect for reflection: cool, cloudy, rainy. Where I live in the Western US, rainy days are uncommon, so I cherish them when they come.

This morning I chose to be more mindful and purposeful in my showering and dressing. Instead of rushing to get into and out of the shower and rushing through putting on moisturizer and clothes, I decided to take some wisdom shared by a natural health practitioner that I know. She recommends morning rituals based on Ayurveda, one of which is self-massage using oil. I didn’t want to slather oil on prior to my shower, as I have gotten into the habit of using sweet almond oil as an alternative to lotion after my shower. I do use oil sometimes as a makeup remover and pre-facial cleansing. So I took a few minutes to savor the facial massage.  I put a few drops of eucalyptus oil in my shower to help open my sinuses. I savored the heat of the water as it poured over my body. When I got out of the shower, I dried myself mindfully, rather than rushing to dry off, moisturize, and get dressed. I mindfully massaged the oil into my skin. This practice made me realize that when we massage ourselves, we are forced into a place of loving our bodies. How often have I, and many other women, gotten out of the shower and not even moisturized or looked in the mirror out of scorn for what we see in our bodies? Massage is a soothing, loving act, and to mindfully massage oneself (seriously, I am not talking about anything dirty, just an ancient Ayurvedic ritual) is a profound act of self-care and self-acceptance. It felt great to show some love to my legs and feet, which regularly carry me on my runs and which I often neglect by not stretching enough. The little aches that were in my legs are gone.  I thought about how important it is to love ourselves – body, mind, and spirit – no matter where we are in life or on the path toward our goals.

Learning to love myself is a lesson that has been long overdue for me, and which I have been doing more frequently in the past year. Many of my bad habits are ways of not loving myself (imbibing too much alcohol or emotional eating are really only hurting my body), as are my reactions to repeating such habits (self-loathing, guilt, feeling shame). Our reactions to our missteps in life are profound and can have a powerful effect on how we move forward. I can look back and recognize how many times I was stuck in a rut – not being able to lose weight, drinking more than I want to, eating junk food – because of the thoughts and beliefs I held about myself and my abilities (or lack thereof) to change.

Yesterday, I saw this wonderful meme on the late, great Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Facebook page (I am so grateful to his family and colleagues for maintaining it and providing continued daily inspiration):

This is so very true. I have been learning to speak better of myself and catch myself when I begin to speak negative words about myself. How often have I said things that were hurtful? I don’t think most people realize the impact their words and beliefs about themselves have on their reality. In retrospect, I truly believe that I created my own difficulties in passing the bar exam and thriving in the legal profession because I held the belief that I was not capable and didn’t belong. In fact, it was during an appointment last winter with the aforementioned natural health practitioner that I realized what I was doing to my own reality in clinging to beliefs that had no basis in reality. I changed my thinking. I am continuing to change my thinking. I am convinced that part of the reason that I passed the bar exam this time is because I continually told myself “of course I can do this.” Likewise, with changing habits, what we say to ourselves about the habit and our ability to change it can make or break our success. If I want to quit drinking, I can make the conscious choice to say to myself “I don’t drink” or “I am a nondrinker.” If I want to run more often, I tell myself, “I am a runner.”

When we berate ourselves because we are uncomfortable with our bodies, we are creating our reality. When I look at the flab on my belly in disgust, I am sending signals that I am unworthy of love. That left me stuck in a pattern of self-loathing that resulted in stubborn weight and even continued weight gain (and every pound makes a big difference on my slight frame). When I started loving my body no matter what, it was easier to make decisions about food and exercise that nourished my body (and my soul) which resulted in weight coming off. I have a ways to go, but because my motivation and beliefs are changing from “I can’t, I don’t deserve it, I’m not enough” to “I am beautiful, I am healthy, and I am capable,” I am progressing. And I don’t berate myself for backwards steps. As I have mentioned in a previous post, change is a journey.

This meme also got me thinking about another thing that I dislike about current thinking on addiction and recovery: people who want to change their drinking/drugging/eating habits label themselves as an alcoholic or addict. When I was attempting to change my relationship with alcohol via the “traditional” method, I felt the negative effects of repeatedly stating “I am an alcoholic.” It never made much sense to me. I know that it helps some people, but that made me feel like that was what I was and all I was. When I worked in mental health, we would regularly remind clients that they were not their illness. They have an illness, but they are more than that. I had one client with schizophrenia and he would get really caught up in defining himself by his illness. I reminded him often that he was intelligent, creative, artistic, and funny. So, too, with me and my struggles. I no longer choose to define myself as alcoholic. It’s not black and white. And that word set me on a shame spiral so quickly and so deep that recovering has taken years. Instead, I focus on adding the good. I focus on what I want to be as if I am that right now: healthy, successful, peaceful, centered, athletic, beautiful. While my process of changing my relationship to alcohol (which for me was a habit developed out of a need to numb the pain of abuse – not excusing it, but acknowledging that the habit served a purpose and became automatic as habits do) is not a burning bush moment or straight line, it has changed dramatically. More and more often I just don’t want it. And so I don’t use it. Simple as that. The more I love myself, the more positive things I say after I say “I AM,” the easier it is to change. In fact, it is almost automatic.

My goal is to be mindful of the words that I allow to follow “I am.” We do create our own realities. Our words have profound power. What reality are you creating with the words that follow “I am?” I encourage you to show yourself some love and be mindful of what you say about yourself. It is one of the most powerful habits you can cultivate, and the others fall into place.